Insomnia

Can't seem to get to sleep. Maybe I have too many things on my mind.

We had cell group today. I love my cell - someone said that even before we were formed into a cell, we were a clique. Well, maybe that's not entirely true (a clique connotes exclusivity - which I don't think we ever were), but we certainly are close. We all share something in common, see. Our husbands all work for the military. Which makes the women of the cell military wives.

A friend in church once told me, "It takes a strong woman to be the wife of a military man." Not to be presumptuous, but yes, I think I do agree.

We have to deal with their crazy work hours. Adrian often does night shifts of more than 12 hours, sometimes several times a week, and almost every weekend he pulls a 24-hour shift. And my friends have it worse, I think.

It's not about the lack of family time. It's not even about having to tell your daughter, "Daddy's at work," when she goes, "Daddy? Daddy?" over and over again. It's about having to go it alone.

I remember when Cherise was barely 5 months old, and Adrian had to travel to Thailand for work for 3 weeks. Oh how I cried! It wasn't the fact that I had to do everything by myself, it was the sense of aloneness that I felt. The sense that I've got no one to help me in this and I have to handle everything-whatever-may-come-even-if-the-sky-were-to-fall all by myself. No one to back me up, no second opinion, no safety net, no reinforcements, no one to swap shifts with.

And every time he goes on night shift, that same sense of aloneness creeps back in.

I thank God we finally hired a helper. And she's fantastic. But it's not the same. Helpers, parents - they can't take the place of a husband, your partner, a helpmeet. They are, after all, one step removed. For one, they don't sleep with me.

What's it going to be like when the new baby comes along? When Adrian goes off on his inevitable night duty, who's going to help me if the baby cries at night? If both babies cry? What if I need to change one baby and nurse the other - at the same time? What if there's an incident - like baby regurgitating milk, or pooping/peeing on the bed?

And who's going to hold me when it all happens and tell me it'll be ok?

But we'll manage. We always do.

We are, after all, military wives.